


familiarity

by cangrejo



Category: Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 10:10:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17702378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cangrejo/pseuds/cangrejo
Summary: stefan's stuck in a time loop, what's new?





	familiarity

Sure, they had done this before. This exact scenario, the exact location, and most importantly the exact two people. Only once before. Deja vu, if you will. Stefan stood and stared at Colin who was sitting down at his desk, about to show him his new game, Nohzdyve. Colin was talking about the game, but he wasn’t listening; he heard it before anyways. He remembered something about it, and watched the screen in an attempt to jog his memory. Oh yeah, the eyeball sprites overloaded the memory.  
“A buffer error.” Escaped from Stefan’s mouth as the screen crashed into its default state.  
“Yup.” Colin said, eyes not moving from the screen. 

Wait. Colin didn’t say that last time. 

Stefan looked at Colin and tried to read his eyes, but of course Colin was notoriously hard to read. He still couldn’t exactly believe Colin was even a real person. Last time they did this, Stefan didn’t exactly have that much interaction so Colin still made him incredibly nervous. Sure, they worked in the same office for a couple of months in the last loop but Colin didn’t work on Bandersnatch; he only came around to give a few tips if necessary. He sometimes doubted if Colin even liked him or if he was just an annoyance. 

Stefan was snapped out of his train of thought by Thakur. “So Stefan, what do you think?” He sold the offer to work at Tuckersoft almost the same way. 

“No. I mean, I want to work here but not here? Like I want to work on it alone but I want to do your game?” Stefan stuttered out, remembering how last time Bandersnatch had gotten zero stars. It was embarrassing.

\--

“What do you listen to?” Colin asked, barely giving Stefan his attention. “Uh. Mostly compilations I guess.” Stefan replied, trying to think of how to bring up the deja vu. 

“Get a pen.” Colin said, exactly the same as before. “No, it’s okay.” Stefan said without thinking. “I mean. I like your music taste a lot but like…” 

“But what?” Colin raised an eyebrow.

“But I. This is going to sound so crazy. I already know what you listen to and that sounds like I’m some kind of stalker who’s been watching you but it’s really not?” He waved his hands, searching for the words he needed while Colin just watched silently. “Remember how you said we’ve met before? We did, you’re right, I worked here at this same time but in another… another time?” 

Stefan stared at Colin, hoping he’d say something, but Colin just blinked. It seemed like he was trying to process whatever the hell Stefan just said. It seemed like forever that the silence just hung in the air between them. Stefan tried to open his mouth to elaborate more but no words formed for him. 

“Yeah.” Colin sighed. “I remember.”

“Oh really? So I’m not insane, you remember me being here and working on Bandersnatch and helping me out and working on the sprites and when it got released they rated it like zero-“ 

“No. What are you talking about? I remember saying that we’ve met before, yeah. I thought I recognized you from somewhere.” Colin replied, although he was definitely refraining from saying something. “Come over to my place later, ok?” 

Stefan shifted his eyes. “Yeah uh alright. I’ll. See you then.” He turned to walk out of the room as his face heat up from embarrassment. Obviously he didn’t know about his weird time…? Timeline? Timeline theory. 

“Hey.” Colin said. Stefan whipped his head around at the sound of his voice embarrassingly fast. “I think you need my address.” Stefan, walked backwards back into the room before awkwardly turning around to grab the slip of paper from Colin. “Thank you.” He finally said, putting the paper in his pocket. “Yeah, see you around.”

Stefan walked out of the building holding his face in his hands. That was the worst, most awkward interaction ever. That’s saying a lot considering Stefan’s normal behavior, but to ramble like that in front of his idol? Soul crushing. He wondered if Colin hated him now. It wouldn’t be that far off of a guess considering how he acted. Wait, that’s irrational and self-deprecating. Dr. Haynes had said something about that, like how becoming more positive starts in the way you think or something? Stefan remembered how she said to rephrase those kinds of things. Alright. Colin didn’t know Stefan yet, right? So he probably hadn’t made much of a judgement on him. Plus, even after he started saying those things about an alternate timeline, he still invited him over. Yeah. Speaking of that, he just said “Later.” What did that even mean? When is later? Should he go over right now? Or would that make it seem like he is too eager?

Wait. Eager for what? He didn’t know but maybe it would seem creepy? 

“Are you getting on or what?” The bus driver yelled, snapping Stefan out of his thoughts. Stefan stepped towards the bus, fishing in his pocket for money. “Oh. Uh. Yeah sorry.” He mumbled, handing his bus fare to the driver. He sat down quietly in an empty seat, although he felt like everyone was looking at him. In reality he knew everyone was preoccupied with their own life, but it felt like everyone could hear his thoughts and was judging him. Stefan looked down at the floor, the white noise filling his ears. He bit at his nails habitually and tried to think about Bandersnatch. He had just gotten a job at Tuckersoft, his dream company! How had he forgotten about that? Stefan tried to think about all the paths he had to program; the PAX worshipping path, which would lead to a game over of course. He still had to put in a mechanic that would let you go back and redo your choices. Maybe that would be too time consuming to do that for all the choices. What would Colin Ritman do. He would definitely program it in, after all he was so talented there’s not much he probably couldn’t do. 

Wouldn’t it be cool to work on a game with Colin? Yeah, last time he helped out a little but what if they worked side by side? Maybe it would be overwhelming to work with such a genius but it would be so insightful and would really improve his skill. Everything Colin said was so smart. Did Colin go to uni? Probably not right, since he was so young; so he was just that smart by nature. Colin’s so amazing, even his music taste is great. He had spent so much time listening to Colin’s favorite songs in the past timeline, trying to memorize the rhythms and being so proud of himself when he was able to name the song Colin was listening to. Was there even a past timeline or was that a weird dream? He wasn’t sure at this point just because Colin made him question if he was right. It seemed a little too real to be a dream, but even if it was just a dream isn’t it weird that he would dream about people he’s never even seen? Quite peculiar that he would dream up the game The Colin Ritman was working on and the exact error it had. Okay, it definitely happened. But how? Why did it reset to here? To Tuckersoft. To his first day. To the offer of a lifetime. 

What was he supposed to be doing again? His brain was kind of fried from all of that thinking that he didn’t realize that he had been in complete silence this entire time. The silence always made his brain spiral out of control and he generally wasn’t too fond of being in such a quiet place. Kind of a juxtaposition considering how little he spoke, but you know. Stefan pulled out his Walkman and a few cassettes he kept in his bag. He looked for the mix that he put together full of the songs Colin recommended but he couldn’t find it for some reason. His hands continued to fumble around for the familiar drugstore cassette until he realized that he hadn’t… made the mix yet… in this timeline. Stefan questioned his own sanity for a second before taking out the tape he hadn’t listened to this morning, which was the Into the Gap tape he kept. He stuck the cassette into his walkman and put his orange headphones over his ears before realizing he was at the end of the tape. He sighed, rewinding the tape a little bit before getting impatient and just stopping in the middle of Hold Me Now. 

Hold Me Now was a nice song. Apparently it was about the band’s fall out or something, but Stefan really could only think of someone holding him and running their fingers through his hair. Someone who he could lie on the couch with and have their limbs intertwine and just feel intense comfort. Maybe one day he could wake up to see someone smiling at him, lying across from him in bed and kissing his sleepy face. Somehow in this train of thought, his mind drifted to Colin. He could somehow feel Colin’s hand gripping his face, looking straight into his eyes. Even though he was in his own thoughts, he couldn’t close the gap between them; somehow he wasn’t in control. He blinked his thoughts away, questioning why he was even thinking of his co-worker. Colin drifted in and out of his mind much to the dismay of Stefan. He had a habit of overthinking things and falling in love with the mere concept of people before really getting to know them. Well, it was a little different; he did know Colin. It’s not like he and Colin dated or anything in a… past life but he knew Colin. They worked for 4 months together on Bandersnatch, but not much else had transpired. He couldn’t remember if he felt that way back then too or not. He glanced out the window before doing a complete double take.

Colin Ritman walking home. Stefan requested a stop for no discernable reason, it’s almost as if he didn’t actually do it, but it was unlike him. He instantly regretted it as soon as he got off the bus, mostly because he felt like a stalker. Stefan tried to look nonchalant as he followed Colin. He wasn’t exactly sure why he was following him, but he just trailed behind him like some type of weirdo. Colin had nice shoulder blades. They were kind of visible through his shirt. He wondered what his shoulder blades would look like without the shirt though. Stefan cringed at his train of thought. What the fuck was that? 

Even so, he felt like he already knew what they looked like for some reason. Not in a imaginative way, but as if he had seen Colin’s back before, like when he woke up and sat at the side of the bed for a few minutes before getting up to brush his teeth. Or when Colin complained about the heat in the apartment and threw his shirt onto the bed. Or when Stefan would make a bad joke and Colin would turn over in bed to signify his annoyance. He was never annoyed though. Maybe he was just hiding his goofy smile. Stefan thought about Colin’s smile. He rarely showed it, but when he was around Stefan it seemed to never leave his face; he just looked at Stefan like he was special. Like a gift from the universe, or maybe an angel. But really, Colin was Stefan’s guardian angel. 

Where the hell are these memories coming from? 

Stefan stopped on the sidewalk, finally realizing that his legs continued to move and follow Colin without him thinking about it. As a result of the noise Stefan’s sneakers made on the concrete, Colin turned around to face Stefan. Stefan felt his ears start to warm up and knew that his face would probably follow. “Oh, uh, hi. Colin. Hi Colin.” He fumbled over his words. “I’m, I mean. I wasn’t trying to follow you or anything,” He chuckled nervously. “I was just walking this way too, you know, yeah…” 

“It’s okay Stefan.” Colin said, sighing as he ran his hands through his own bleach blonde hair. It kind of crunched when he did that. “Do you spray or gel your hair?” Stefan blurted out suddenly. “Oh my God. I don’t know why I said that.”

Colin looked extremely confused, then started laughing to himself quietly. “Yeah. It’s gel.” He lowered his head to Stefan’s level. “You can touch it if you’d like.” 

Stefan raised his hand and moved his fingers delicately through the spikes. It was dry and kind of hard to be honest, but it was really nice to try and bend the spike out of shape because they’d just spring back into place. “Thanks, sorry about this by the way.” Stefan said, still not taking his hand off of Colin’s head for some reason. “Yeah.” Colin replied, standing back up and causing Stefan to retract his hand in embarrassment. “While I have you here, why don’t we just go over to mine?” Colin turned around as a signal for Stefan to continue to follow him. Stefan refrained from responding and just followed Colin silently, listening to the way Colin walked almost in a rhythm. He focused on this almost too much that he started to trip over his own feet to mimic it, but luckily Colin didn’t notice. It seemed like it took years, but they finally got to Colin’s flat. 

“Welcome home.” Colin said, opening the door. Stefan looked around the apartment, eyeing how there was weird decor everywhere. Very Colin-esque. He almost expected someone else to be there, like maybe a woman or a baby of some sort. Colin was a little young to be a father but something bugged Stefan that there were people missing. “Do you live by yourself?” Stefan asked, walking around the room and trying to nonchalantly inspect Colin’s belongings strewn over his desk. “For now, yes.” Colin replied, like how he always replied. Concise and straight to the point. Stefan wondered if Colin ever rambled or got stuck in his own head like he did. Colin looked over at Stefan, who was very obviously flipping through his concept art for Nohzdyve. “Why don’t you sit down?” Colin asked, his body seemingly melting into his couch. 

“Oh. Uh, yeah, sorry.” Stefan said, sitting on the couch, not really knowing how to position his legs. It’s almost like he forgot how to sit. He looked at Colin, who seemed so natural and casual. Well, that would make sense because it was his house. But still, it seemed like he was always like that. “So, Stefan,” Colin sat up a little bit, “Tell me about what you said earlier. With the difference in time and the like.” 

“No, no, I mean. It’s really silly like I think I was just really delirious? I don’t want you to think I’m out of my mind or anything, like really, I’m okay, I’m on my medication and everything.” Stefan smiled as words just came out of his mouth. God, he really needed to stop doing this. “Just tell me what you know.” Colin said, finally showing some emotion. Not really in the intonation of his voice or anything, but he looked Stefan right in the eye and that look just told him everything was okay. 

“Please don’t laugh at me.” It wasn’t really a demand, but more of a question, honestly. “So I already lived through my days at Tuckersoft. Bandersnatch already got released and I remember that it got zero out of five stars. It was a collaborative project and that coconut headed guy said it sucked so I felt like I needed to try again. I didn’t… or I don’t remember how I did it but somehow I came back to today.” Colin looked at Stefan in understanding.

“So you almost, for lack of better word, rewinded to that choice point?” Colin asked. God, he was so good at putting things into words. “Yes! Exactly!” Stefan said, his hands moving to show his excitement. “Is there anything else?” Colin pushed up his glasses and crossed his arms.  
“Well…” Stefan thought about what he was thinking about on the bus. And the walk over here. He wasn’t sure if that was related or if it was just him getting obsessive over his idol. “Earlier I was pretty sure it was like my first… go… round? Like my first time reliving this. But now I’m not so sure.” He finally said, pausing between his words in an attempt to form coherent sentences. He looked at Colin for validation. Colin seemed like he was going to say something but then reconsidered it. “What makes you think that?” He asked, leaning closer to Stefan. 

“I. Um. This is embarrassing I can’t?” Stefan shifted his eyes from a patient looking Colin to the floor. “I feel like I have memories of things… like not even important things or events I guess just really. Unimportant specific things. But I know I haven’t seen them, and I don’t even think I saw them when I was working before and maybe I’m trapped in some sort of loop?” Stefan motioned with his hands in a bad attempt to explain further.

“What kinds of things? I’m very interested in your thought process.” Colin leaned in ever closer almost over the coffee table that separated them at this point. Stefan felt his face flush with heat, kind of in response to Colin complimenting his thought process? But mostly at the thought of articulating his “memories.” 

Stefan pulled at his earlobe, still refusing to make eye contact with Colin. “Earlier when I was on the bus I started looking for this tape I made. You know how you were going to have me write down that list of artists you like? Sometime in the past I guess, or maybe the future I don’t know, I wrote them down and made a mix. I couldn’t find it because it doesn’t exist. Uh. As for the other thing. Or things I guess. I hope you don’t think of me differently but I remember something like maybe we were roommates or something in the… past? Future? This is going to come out wrong but I remember how your back is like. Your shoulders I mean. Or your shoulder blades? Like how you sometimes throw your shirts off when it gets warm?” Stefan’s heart would not stop racing as he explained this. He had to shut up soon or else Colin would probably just never talk to him again. 

“That’s… oddly specific.” Colin said, processing the ramble. “I think it makes sense that you wouldn’t remember everything from your past loops.” He reached down for a slip of paper peeking out from under the couch. “I have a theory that time isn’t linear, that time splits into different pathways based on your choices.” He handed the paper to Stefan. “Have a look.”

The diagram he had drawn was confusing to say the least but it kind of looked like how Stefan mapped the paths of Bandersnatch. Different choices leading to different outcomes. “How did you come up with this?” Stefan asked, handing the paper back. 

“It took some doing.” Colin replied. “It’s a concept I don’t have all the answers on but I think it’s interesting.” Stefan nodded his head, his eyes gliding towards Colin’s face. Whenever he saw Colin he just felt a wave of simultaneous comfort and anxiety, like he was supposed to just kiss his face and whisper sweet things into his chest, but that he was scared and he knew Colin would just resent him. Resent him for it like a victim would resent their murderer. Although the more he thought about that analogy the less it made sense, because of course, the victim would be dead. “Colin?” Stefan half whispered, still partially in his daze. “Yeah?” Colin answered, lighting a blunt that Stefan didn’t remember him taking out. “Can I sit with you?” Stefan said softly, through the smoke that masked Colin’s face. 

“Aren’t you already sitting with me?” Colin nearly smiled, offering Stefan the blunt from across the couch. Stefan hesitated to take it. It’s not like he had ever done drugs before. Not that weed was a hard drug. I mean, not that he knew or anything. Whatever. 

He put it to his mouth and breathed in, looking to Colin for confirmation. Stefan held it in his lungs for a little too long but still tried to imitate the way Colin blew out the smoke only to cough it up like a total loser. Colin suppressed a laugh. There was something about Stefan that made him want to break down those high walls he had set up to keep people out. He was just so genuine and clumsy in his affairs that it was endearing. He wondered how long Stefan would stay, it was interesting to look at his starry eyes when they made eye contact. Not that he thoroughly enjoyed being idolized or something, but there was something special about him. He possessed some kind of quality that made Colin instantly drawn to him. Colin swore to himself that he wouldn’t get attached to him the moment he saw him in the office of Tuckersoft. But there was something there, and something in him that claimed that somehow it would all work out. He dismissed it. He looked at Stefan, who was on the verge of drifting asleep on his couch. Colin watched as Stefan’s chest rose and fell rhythmically, the only time so far that he had seeing Stefan so still. It seemed like Stefan was perpetually in motion. If he watched him sleep for a bit no harm could be done, right? 

Stefan’s eyes moved under his lids, and Colin wondered what he was thinking about. He came off as a bit shy, perhaps even reclusive at first but Stefan’s mind was definitely going a mile a minute. Much like his movements, he had little control over what came out of his mouth. Colin found it really sweet whenever Stefan’s struggled to find the right words to describe things, or when he would backtrack himself to clarify. Stefan’s mind was interesting. Colin pondered what it would be like to live with Stefan, like he had suggested had happened in a different timeline. Something about it seemed so appealing, which Colin couldn’t pinpoint until he thought about what it would be like to shower Stefan with kisses every morning. This thought put him into a slight panic, he was afraid of those kinds of feelings. 

Stefan was shaken awake by none other than THE Colin Ritman. His lidded eyes struggled to focus on Colin’s beautiful features that he had somehow memorized. He nearly reached out to caress his cheek, but before he could even lift his arm, Colin’s voice rung in his ear. “Please get out of my house.” He said with such indifference.  
God… he had fallen asleep on Colin’s couch. What kind of jerk falls asleep at someone else’s house? Especially a house of someone they’ve barely known that pitied them enough to hear conspiracy theories only a crackhead would make up. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, I just… Yeah, I’ll just.” Stefan sat up and left without saying too much. He tried to wave goodbye but Colin didn’t really respond. Colin was probably pissed off, and he had probably weirded him out way too much and made himself way too comfortable there. 

Colin watched Stefan leave out of the corner of his eye. He wanted to tell him to come back and stay, but he panicked. It was a protective measure really, a selfish one at that, but it’s what he felt he needed to do. He sat back down on his couch, sighing. Hopefully one day he could move past all of this and be able to share in that kind of thing again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i keep finding typos im so sorry

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this is kinda all over the place. more to come i guess. thank u so much for reading


End file.
